Monthly Archives: January 2012

so it’s midnight, and i know all of my rants end up being late at night which probably makes people discredit them, but i think it’s because at night i’m sick of what’s socially acceptable and too tired to spend energy on not mentioning things i think are wrong.

i’m really angry right now, and it really wasn’t triggered by anything huge, just a brief incident today that pushed me over the edge when i was already upset.

i’d decided i was bored with my brown hair and found out that i could buy my old red dye in a brighter shade that also glows in the dark which seemed like a good solution to a boring haircut i’d gotten yesterday that i wasn’t happy with. my mom and sisters and i were out and about shopping, and i needed to stop by sally’s to pick up a couple jars of the dye. my mom, being tired, said they were going to stay in the car and wait for me. and as is always the case when i know i’m going to be alone in a public situation, i instantly went on male-alert. until today, i hadn’t even consciously realized how often i do this, but i instantly scope out the area for potentially uncomfortable/mildly threatening situations. and today two of them were standing directly in front of the door and the whole time i’m crossing the street i’m hoping, maybe they’ll leave. also, i’m wondering why two teenage men are hanging out in front of a sally’s beauty supply and a lane bryant. not waiting for someone or anything. just standing there. and so i’m praying hey maybe they won’t notice the girl all by herself directly in front of them and i will just get in and buy my fucking dye and get out and no.

and this is the part where my sister looks at me like i’m overreacting, but of course they notice me, i’m two feet away from them. and i do not understand how i can instantly be intimidated when people inside the shop are watching, people on the street, people driving by, hell, my family in the car across the parking lot are watching, they can’t really do anything but i’m praying they do something most nice strangers do and just nod or smile or look at something else or move out of the way instead of making me go around them, but no. well, technically, there was smiling and nodding, but only in a dictionary that does not contain the word “leering.” the whole time i am thinking, keep your head down, ignore them, don’t react. so i moved around them, i went inside, i bought my dye, trying to ignore them standing in the window watching me the entire time. came home and found out i bought two jars of different colors, i was in enough of a hurry to be done with it already. they left by the time i was done, no harm done i guess.

it’s just that i look at my little sister. she’ll be seven in july. i think, is this what i’m supposed to expect for her? to expect to be made to feel, in one look, not like a person but as just… a woman. to evaluate her surroundings while doing something as simple as running errands? to train herself not to react because it’ll just make it worse? to keep her mouth shut when she’s uncomfortable just because then someone will think she’s ‘one of those feminists’ and it’s not worth the fight? granted, she’s a lot different than i am; she isn’t shy, she isn’t self conscious (yet. i hope the world doesn’t make her any less confident than she is now). but will she learn to be?

i am depressed and tired. all day i’ve been angry, but now i am just tired and i’m going to be honest, sometimes i feel absolutely hopeless, i really do, because i don’t know what to do, i don’t have an answer. i would rather fight than sit at home and feel sad but i just feel sad. i don’t want this for all these women i love. hell, i don’t want this for myself. i want to go out and enjoy being outside and being around people i don’t know and not worry about how close that man is and if i should walk the other direction. because that just seems like a basic right to me that i would like to enjoy and i would like my sister and everyone else who is just a person to be able to enjoy as well.

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book events don’t forget to be awesome.

today, i walked around barnes and noble and walmart studying the signatures on copies of the fault in our stars (green at walmart, purple at barnes and noble) and left notes to nerdfighters and nerdfighters-in-training inside. i am so excited to read it i cannot even tell you, but i’m waiting until the 24th because that’s when i can pick up my copy from my bookstore (i’m buying it from them because you get a ‘free’ ticket to john and hank’s event the next day.)

my sister has been yelling at me all day because i’m so preoccupied with the awesomeness that is the fact that THE VLOGBROTHERS ARE GOING TO BE IN MY CITY IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. i have that much time to turn her into a nerdfighter and i shall succeed.

have i mentioned i am SO excited?

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“We’ve all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on.”

my whole family has been watching this over and over. i can’t get over how well they managed to condense the whole series into one music video.

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birthday thanks

don’t even know what to say right now. over the last week i’ve been so completely overwhelmed by the kindness of all of my friends. i wasn’t expecting my sixteenth birthday to be a big deal or anything but you’ve made it so wonderful, i’m losing track of all the sweet little things, whether it’s an email or a note or a package. i’m always being reminded what beautiful friends i have when i’m not expecting it, in jars of tea and nutella, in incense, in poetry, in pictures, in words. especially words.

everyone who has made my birthday unforgettable, i love you so much.  thank you.

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am.

look, look, see
the way our bodies, our minds lock onto scent
to hold onto the nows, the heres & theres.

i have seen things strong as scent
in this world, i am also   locked.

there was a woman
(or was she? not much older than
me, & yet what am i?)
with eyes like light & a lip ring
holding onto her smile like it could save the world. like it
could save you. like she had saved
herself already.

i’ve seen a man, & his face was a canyon,
traced with cracks like a desert floor,
& his hands were knotted as a forestfull
of roots & veins. how many times
did i kiss that face, did i
hold his hands, did they hold mine-

did i walk
away.

there is smoke & there is darkness, drifting.
i am breath. i feel for a heartbeat, & there is none,
too deep in my own body. there are only lungs;
rise, collapse, under my hands i
live, i breathe, i look, i see.

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