envy soars when I talk to the people who manage to make every moment seem worthwhile, even if they are only contemplating how worthless everything is,
and then I decide not to be envious because I could not manage my life and add doing worthwhile things to the chaos.
Feet numb with cold and dripping wet, grinding into sand and rocks and not caring, mind in the bottom of the grand canyon and surrounded by water, teeth embedded in my lower lip, peeling away chapped skin. My eyes are watering with laughter, scrunched against tears that have no business there and yes, I am
obsessed with talking to him, this him being the most wonderful best friend on earth.
so many speculations, millions of mistakes, several instances of inspiration, I simply don’t know where the love stops (and while I don’t understand it, I want to get to the source) and it just keeps spreading.
I was so damn shy. Oh, that wasn’t supposed to slip out but I can’t find another word strong enough to express how I felt, how timid I felt as I tiptoed onto sacred territory, how afraid I was that this
wouldn’t work out. I try to find other words, risk sounding like that know-it-all using words no one knows the meaning of, but in that moment the wrong thing always, always comes. But it did work despite my limited vocabulary, and I am amazed every day at how much God blessed us, and am amazed that I still have the nerve to pray and ask for more each night and still manage to cry every time His answer is “not right now,” because what if the answer is no? And I am still not sure how to learn to bear it.
But I still tell myself, it can’t be that wrong, can it, if they are not only prayers for me but prayers for the person I love?
So I hold my breath all day until evening,
(when the answer has still always been no, so far)
and sometimes talk through the night while I ache with hope and fear and love and pain, begging for it to be perfect tomorrow, begging for forever, begging for this not to be a fleeting thing that will soon be one-sided, begging that this will remain unconditional, and still managing to laugh at how things have changed, and how at least for now, it’s been for the better.