the ugliest word:
hearing typewriter keys,
blue is not beautiful.
the ugliest word:
hearing typewriter keys,
blue is not beautiful.
i am so angry right now.
that i am going to make an entire blog post.
just to say that i hate.
and i hate that every time i feel like cooking dinner at the same time as my family i have to stand and chop veggies while listening to a bastard like you.
and be told that i have to admit you’re funny.
i do not have to admit anything.
you are a horrible, offensive, misogynist, asshole. you are not a decent person.
and that is all i have (or need) to say.
this street hangs in tension with the hot air balloon
which is haunting my skies, frozen
which also hangs in tension with the rotundity of earth,
universe welling up in a fishbowl slowly;
a fishbowl in which i Hang
in tension with the water, unmoving
despite the goldfish around me
whose light hangs in tension with mine
i just realized i hadn’t blogged yet about the incredibleness that was meeting john and hank green. it would take quite a while to go through everything that was amazing, but the highlights:
~the guy who sat in front of us; puff levels could compete with john on any given day. he was fangirling out the whole time and it was hilarious.
~ knowing that every person in that room except maybe a few parents was a nerdfighter. there were pizza john shirts and dr. who shirts and maps of nerdfighteria shirts and people with stuff on their heads and people carrying around free hug signs and i wanted to hug EVERY PERSON THERE.
~ hank sang a song about anglerfish and strange charm, which was great, but then he sang shake-a-booty and for the first time in my life, i was happy enough that i got up and danced. anyone who knows me well should be picking their jaw up off the ground right now.
~ the best friends showed up as well, and after having not seen them for a very, very long time, i cannot think of a better place for a reunion :)
~ turning around and seeing katherine less than two feet away. she gave me a weird look as i had to pull my hand back to keep from poking her to make sure she was really real.
~ meeting a facebook friend for the first time, who i had not previously known to be a nerdfighter and was surprised to see.
~ meeting john and hank was cool, too, of course. but it only lasted about seven seconds since we’d been waiting for hours already and they still had about a hundred people to go. but now i KNOW FOR MYSELF THAT THEY ARE REAL.
~ singing along with 500 miles with my best friends at the top of our freaking lungs. the smile was plastered onto my face for about ten minutes afterwards. john’s awkward little dance onstage as he sang was the best.
~also, they did their happy dances. my life was complete. the last few minutes of this video pretty much sum it up. as elv so perfectly put it, it wasn’t a book event, it was a book concert.
**important edit** i also completely forgot to mention what was the best part of the night by far, which was hank’s song about TFiOS which made me legitimately cry.
so it’s midnight, and i know all of my rants end up being late at night which probably makes people discredit them, but i think it’s because at night i’m sick of what’s socially acceptable and too tired to spend energy on not mentioning things i think are wrong.
i’m really angry right now, and it really wasn’t triggered by anything huge, just a brief incident today that pushed me over the edge when i was already upset.
i’d decided i was bored with my brown hair and found out that i could buy my old red dye in a brighter shade that also glows in the dark which seemed like a good solution to a boring haircut i’d gotten yesterday that i wasn’t happy with. my mom and sisters and i were out and about shopping, and i needed to stop by sally’s to pick up a couple jars of the dye. my mom, being tired, said they were going to stay in the car and wait for me. and as is always the case when i know i’m going to be alone in a public situation, i instantly went on male-alert. until today, i hadn’t even consciously realized how often i do this, but i instantly scope out the area for potentially uncomfortable/mildly threatening situations. and today two of them were standing directly in front of the door and the whole time i’m crossing the street i’m hoping, maybe they’ll leave. also, i’m wondering why two teenage men are hanging out in front of a sally’s beauty supply and a lane bryant. not waiting for someone or anything. just standing there. and so i’m praying hey maybe they won’t notice the girl all by herself directly in front of them and i will just get in and buy my fucking dye and get out and no.
and this is the part where my sister looks at me like i’m overreacting, but of course they notice me, i’m two feet away from them. and i do not understand how i can instantly be intimidated when people inside the shop are watching, people on the street, people driving by, hell, my family in the car across the parking lot are watching, they can’t really do anything but i’m praying they do something most nice strangers do and just nod or smile or look at something else or move out of the way instead of making me go around them, but no. well, technically, there was smiling and nodding, but only in a dictionary that does not contain the word “leering.” the whole time i am thinking, keep your head down, ignore them, don’t react. so i moved around them, i went inside, i bought my dye, trying to ignore them standing in the window watching me the entire time. came home and found out i bought two jars of different colors, i was in enough of a hurry to be done with it already. they left by the time i was done, no harm done i guess.
it’s just that i look at my little sister. she’ll be seven in july. i think, is this what i’m supposed to expect for her? to expect to be made to feel, in one look, not like a person but as just… a woman. to evaluate her surroundings while doing something as simple as running errands? to train herself not to react because it’ll just make it worse? to keep her mouth shut when she’s uncomfortable just because then someone will think she’s ‘one of those feminists’ and it’s not worth the fight? granted, she’s a lot different than i am; she isn’t shy, she isn’t self conscious (yet. i hope the world doesn’t make her any less confident than she is now). but will she learn to be?
i am depressed and tired. all day i’ve been angry, but now i am just tired and i’m going to be honest, sometimes i feel absolutely hopeless, i really do, because i don’t know what to do, i don’t have an answer. i would rather fight than sit at home and feel sad but i just feel sad. i don’t want this for all these women i love. hell, i don’t want this for myself. i want to go out and enjoy being outside and being around people i don’t know and not worry about how close that man is and if i should walk the other direction. because that just seems like a basic right to me that i would like to enjoy and i would like my sister and everyone else who is just a person to be able to enjoy as well.
today, i walked around barnes and noble and walmart studying the signatures on copies of the fault in our stars (green at walmart, purple at barnes and noble) and left notes to nerdfighters and nerdfighters-in-training inside. i am so excited to read it i cannot even tell you, but i’m waiting until the 24th because that’s when i can pick up my copy from my bookstore (i’m buying it from them because you get a ‘free’ ticket to john and hank’s event the next day.)
my sister has been yelling at me all day because i’m so preoccupied with the awesomeness that is the fact that THE VLOGBROTHERS ARE GOING TO BE IN MY CITY IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. i have that much time to turn her into a nerdfighter and i shall succeed.
have i mentioned i am SO excited?
my whole family has been watching this over and over. i can’t get over how well they managed to condense the whole series into one music video.
don’t even know what to say right now. over the last week i’ve been so completely overwhelmed by the kindness of all of my friends. i wasn’t expecting my sixteenth birthday to be a big deal or anything but you’ve made it so wonderful, i’m losing track of all the sweet little things, whether it’s an email or a note or a package. i’m always being reminded what beautiful friends i have when i’m not expecting it, in jars of tea and nutella, in incense, in poetry, in pictures, in words. especially words.
everyone who has made my birthday unforgettable, i love you so much. thank you.
look, look, see
the way our bodies, our minds lock onto scent
to hold onto the nows, the heres & theres.
i have seen things strong as scent
in this world, i am also locked.
there was a woman
(or was she? not much older than
me, & yet what am i?)
with eyes like light & a lip ring
holding onto her smile like it could save the world. like it
could save you. like she had saved
i’ve seen a man, & his face was a canyon,
traced with cracks like a desert floor,
& his hands were knotted as a forestfull
of roots & veins. how many times
did i kiss that face, did i
hold his hands, did they hold mine-
did i walk
there is smoke & there is darkness, drifting.
i am breath. i feel for a heartbeat, & there is none,
too deep in my own body. there are only lungs;
rise, collapse, under my hands i
live, i breathe, i look, i see.
a good end to a year. in years past we’ve spent new year’s eve at our old church playing games, but this year we just had some friends over. incredible indian food, indian music, and chocolate pie (not sure how that fit in). we’ve begun a new tradition; because the new laws that have passed have only allowed fireworks to be set off in private property a city over (we can buy them, but not set them off) we had to settle for dropping mentos into bottles of diet coke instead. it evoked squeals of delight from the little girls and the biggest smiles in the world from our friend’s two year old son.
next year: no meat. no more feeling obligated to wear makeup if i don’t feel like it because it’s my damn face. and, i have decided, no more withholding compliments, whether for friends or strangers. yesterday while shopping for some reason everyone i ran into was just lovely and kind and wonderful, most especially one girl who was so happy and enthusiastic about everything (did you see this blowdryer i’m buying? isn’t that lace over there beautiful? chatting with me on and on, completely in love with everything) that i began to wonder why i don’t just go ahead and talk to strangers when i feel like there’s a connection to be made. so i went with it and when i loved a stranger’s hair, i told her so. and she didn’t take out an axe and murder me for intruding on the little bubble of isolation that americans seem to wear even when out in public places with other human beings. she smiled and said thank you. and it made me wonder why i have always held back before.
non-rhetorical question, why don’t we allow ourselves to interact with strangers? is it something more unique to this culture, or is it just a humans-in-general thing?