Today
I crawled down to the foot of my bed
under the covers
and found my blue, faded journal
with scrawled handwriting
packed tightly between the lines
on stained pages.
Today
I opened it a crack-
just enough to let out memories of
all the things I said and did-
hoping to find an excuse,
a reason,
a lie
That could make it all right again.
Was it really only a year ago?
I asked myself,
thumbing through pages and pages
of stories too shameful to tell.
Today
I tried to read aloud a sentence here,
a paragraph there,
just to test the reality of it all,
and the words nearly made me choke
the instant they touched my tongue.
Today
I took the book
packed full of mistakes,
regrets,
tears,
and what-ifs-
and ripped out sheets of my history,
crumpled them up
as I threw them away.
Today,
I opened a fresh, empty notebook
full of opportunities and chances
(just different words for traps and snares,
you told me that night)
and then set it back down.
It’s too soon to write a sequel-
Today
Is the mystery
Between two tales.

My mind is a maze
Of twists and turns.
The lies are knotted
So deep inside that
One tug
Will tighten the
Fraying threads of thought
Just a little
Too much-
And who will be left
To untangle me?

I’ve been writing a journal to my amazing cousin Bailey (AKA Mega-Me) over the last eight weeks or so, and I realized while half asleep in bed last night that I needed to write to her about some stuff. Once I got all the important stuff written, however, I began to ramble as I tend to do late at night (for any of you who have ever had a conversation with me after 11, I’m sorry).

We put up our Christmas stuff today. I don’t feel merry.

I have Death Cab for Cutie’s album Plans stuck in my head *insert long quote here I won’t bother to type out*

Xander randomly taught me how to play some Jimi Hendrix song on facebook chat. Thanks?

I have writing on myself.

Surprise! Not.

I am going to bed. Good night, Mega-Me.

P.S. When Xander asked me if I knew that song by Jimi Hendrix, I was like, who? But according to Youtube, this Hendrix person is rather popular and I didn’t want to sound like a musical idiot.

P.P.S. FIVE! Five pens/pencils went into the writing of this entry! FIVE!

P.P.P.S I’m done now.

P.P.P.P.S You know what scares me? Bats. Eew. Especially cannibalistic bats. Like, what the flagnod!? Bat eating bats!?

Mistakes

are when you walk away from hope

to chase after what

you can’t have.

Regret

is when all the memories you thought were good

only remind you of

what you shouldn’t have done.

Surrender

is when you try to apologize, but words

can’t fit through

all the tears.

And love

is when you walked away from hope and wanted

things you couldn’t have

but He forgave you

anyway.

Tagged by my dear Erin

1. I got fifteen books from the library, read five in one night, but now I have three left and don’t really want to read anymore. This is a sign I probably have some terminal illness, because I ALWAYS want to read.

2. I found out yesterday that a) Sara Groves is inspired by Patty Griffin (PATTY GRIFFIN FTW) and b) she will be here in February and I get to go see her with my daddy.

3. After going geocaching yesterday, I think I like it. I always hated it and thought it was pointless… but this time it led us to a tiny (TINY) little cemetery that I thought ridiculously interesting, even if it was sad. I think a blog post about it shall follow soon.

4. It is my sister’s birthday tomorrow. She shall be twelve. I think. I can never really remember how old she is, but I think it’s twelve. However, I put off getting her present from Amazon.com and sadly it won’t be here until after her birthday. I know, I’m an awful sister.

5. I made a necklace in art class. It’s a silver heart, rather blah, not that interesting, and I got a little pendant that said “faith” a few years ago that wasn’t that interesting. But then I put them both on the SAME CHAIN… and was told it looked like it said something in Hebrew, at which point I decided never to take it off.

6. My AMAZING friends who moved to KY a few years ago are HERE IN AZ! I am SO excited to see my dear Hannah and Grace again…. For a few months!  SO happy. AAND Erin is moving out here VERY SOON so I shall have all these amazing people in my life.

7. I love cranberry juice. Which is a good thing, cause we accidentally made a whole lot of it. A WHOLE lot.

I tag… my  mega-me, Bailey, because she’s the most amazing cousin/sister on earth, and Mikayla, because she’s awesome and it’s her birthday and she is sick.

I remember the time
you and I
let ourselves bake
in the Arizona heat
until we were golden brown
and our hair smelled
like chlorine and sky,
and we drank
berry smoothies
so sweet
you could feel the sugar
coursing down your throat.
Dancing
like we were drunk
on life,
singing off key-
your picnic table
a stage for our
summer high.

The grapple.

Would you like proof that life as we know it is about to change dramatically? Look no further than this.

Now that you have read all about this terrifying fruit, I want you to close your eyes and imagine this:

Five short years from now, grapples parade through every street, striking fear into the hearts of all who set eyes on their unnatural forms. People stand up in great crowds singing hymns of praise to the grapple, and go around the world wiping out all other fruits. It’s Nazi Germany again, but with fruit.

Of course, such a notion is ridiculous. Grapples can’t walk. Yet.

But there is still great danger here. Life shall change. Think about it… once we can combine an apple and a grape, what can hold us back? We can no longer be content with an apple, or a grape. They’re not good enough… we want them better, we want them together, we want it now, and we will do anything necessary to get what we want. Even if it is bathing an apple in grape juice.

I personally think that it is morally wrong to soak an apple in grape juice. That is like soaking a human in armadillo blood. In fact, maybe some day that too will be reality. Maybe we will invent some mutant kind of chinchilla/armadillo/goldfish. We’ll call it the “chinadillofish.” Maybe they will breed humans with the chinadillofishes. I, for one, hope to be dead by that day. I propose a SOLUTION!

DO NOT BUY THE GRAPPLES. PROVE TO THE GOVERNMENT (because we all know the government is behind this) THAT WE WILL NOT STAND SUCH CORRUPTION. Rally together! Go door to door, explaining the terrible things mankind has now achieved! Raise awareness of the danger! Such horror must be stopped. We must nip it in the bud. For the sake of mankind, for the sake of your children, put a stop to the madness.

Support my cause. Tips welcome.

BLAME

I wrote such a beautiful book for you

‘Bout rainbows and sunshine

And dreams that come true.

But the goat went and ate it

(You knew that he would),

So I wrote you another one

Fast as I could.

Of course it could never be

Nearly as great

As that beautiful book

That the silly goat ate.

So if you don’t like

This new book I just wrote-

Blame the goat.

~Shel Silverstein

1. Justina is insufferable.
2. Justina discovers authors.
3. Justina begins to think that might be a cool job.
4. She tries it.
5. It is.
6. She is, in her own mind, supreme ruler of her little world.
7. But outwardly seems sane.
8. Kinda.
9. She is falling in love with her own character.
10. Said character comes to life seemingly.
11. She does not realize this is not her character.
12. But even if she did she would not care.
13. She starts to kind of hate this character.
14. But in a lovey way.
15. Even if he has a stupid name.
16. Daniel. How ordinary.
17. She flat out refuses to call him Dan.
18. AND THEN.
19. The Cheezit Incident.
20. Oh, the Cheezit Incident.
21. After the Cheezit Incident, Daniel faces her wrath.
22. Oh, her wrath.
23. Her character is given a terminal illness.
24. Muahahaha.
25. BUT THEN!
26. Oh no. Daniel has said terminal illness.
27. AND IT IS ALL HER FAULT!
28. Justina rethinks life.
29. Quickly.
30. She swears to give up writing.
31. And does.
32. She now hates her life.
33. And Daniel still has terminal illness.
34. Daniel dies.
35. Poor Daniel.
36. She regrets not calling him Dan.
37. And giving him terminal illness.
38. Therefore killing him.
39. She kills herself.
40. I don’t think this novel is very satisfying.

So…. yeah. When I can’t write, this is what I do.

Nod, smile, and become

invisible.

That’s all it takes

and they believe every word

you say.

It’s been months

and no one else will

just talk about it.

I know they all miss him

but they don’t mention it.

So I play along

and they’ve never seen me shed

a single tear.